"When I was a wee lad like you boys, I was doing me pirate intership on a scrunkly ship sailing the seven seas way out of ye dear Tinkerton..."

"She was no beauty, but finally sailing on one of these filled me with hope for me future as a pirate and sailor"

I was the last to get my tasks given to me by me ol' and mean cap'n,
"Oi! Whassit with ye hair, matey? Is you gonna grow a blue beard too?", he said to me

"Bluebeard! That's gonna be ye sorry name from here on onwards. Now go down the hatch and put these darn barrels back in order!"

"Unfortunately, on our way to do our jobs, we turned our backs and allowed the enemy in too close fer comfort..."

"Sum o' the so-called "experts", none of them having been there, say if ol' captain had noticed earlier, we mighta had a fightin' chance.
However, tis' my professional sailor and pirate opinion that we had lost from the start, and the moment our cap'n had the genius idea of attacking the creature directly only solidified t'at fact further..."

"Wit' no captain and the rest of me crew having gone down the hatch to do their duties, I was the only one up on deck and therefore, left alone with the creature..."

"Being so close to the darn thing gave me a mighty headache, as if its very own tentacles were reaching into my skull and stranglin' me brains, whisperin' sweet nothin's into each and every brain cell I had"

"The mighty thing toppled our boat over, sinking it along with the entirety of me crew... I was left on deck and so I fell into the dark waters around me..."

"Hurt by the debris, I clung to a piece o' the ship for dear life and never let go until I got rescued by one of them modern helicopters from Tinkerton Capital"

"Howeva... the damage had been too much, me hand was crushed in the commotion and had to be amputated. I was cast out of me guild and left to wander the streets on me own, doing whatever I could to get by.
I could never return to what ye call normalcy, but eventually I got back to sailin' the seas, swearing revenge against the fearsome creature, the one they called The Kraken..."

"And 30 years later... I'm finally here for it."

"My good ol' pal Wendy had given me a tip on the beast's location. The kraken can escape me no longer. I prepare myself for the siege."

"I give me mateys the signal to commence our attack on the ol' monster. I have changed in these last 30 years but it has not.
I will pump it full of lead until it falls limp to the bottom of the ocean."

"However, it seems like the monster got to 'em first, for the cannons remained unfired and they mouths were foamin' as they were sayin' incongruencies."

"I remember me ol' captain, how he jumped straight ahead, fearless at the monster. I think of doing the same, at least to give me mateys a chance to escape...
I will allow no more lives lost on me mind."

"But then it started rising."

"A gigantic figure stands tall before me and me ship. The very same ship from all these years ago but reconstructed.
I had it rebuilt thinking I'd get some poetic justice, but right now, I have abandoned most of my hope."

"I shout at the monster, "Foul Kraken, you took the lives of 24 of me mateys last time we met, I will make you pay!""

"MY NAME IS CTHULHU, MORTAL...

...THE GREAT OLD ONE...

...30 YEARS HAVE PASSED SINCE I OFFERED YOU MY MERCY,
AND YET YOU STILL THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME DOWN?
HUMAN ARROGANCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.
YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS METAL HUSKS,
THEY NEVER COULD HURT ME."

"Almost as if sent to prove the great 'thulhu right, I shouted "Our best weapon was never our ammo, sucka!""

"It's me!"

"I stab God in the shoulder, making me way up his scaly body"

"I make me way up, traversing through what feeleth like a forest of spines n' tentacles..."

"Every step I take is a psychic attack from the ol' beast, I endure it by thinking of all me lost mateys... young Marty, private Tommy, me best pal Slimy... my ol' captain... Bruce McGee..."

"Once at the head, the beast realizes my intentions and sends its lackeys and body parts after me soul... I fend them off with me weapon, for in that cursed day I did not lose an arm... I gained a sword."

"Once I arrive at the opposite end, I stab God's head and run all the way back to the other side, making an incission just like they taught us in the ol' academy"

"Finally, something I can stab is revealed in the gaping wound..."

"The monster attempts to take flight, but not before I get me grubby hands on that eye"

"The sea swallows the felled monster with me on it... not knowing if I'd make it out or not, my only thoughts are of me old mateys and me crew waiting for me at the ship..."

"But as always, dawn breaks and I stand proud atop my foe's body"

"So, to answer your question, NO!, ye scallywag, you will never be like me! And I pray you'll never be!
For that is a fate I would not wish on anyone, not even me worst enemy!"

"Get back to manning these cannons or I'll make ya sorry butts walk the plank!"